(Originally published in the Cascade magazine cy 2007; revised 2013 @ WordPress)
Half rotten eggs roll by and splash. They chase me. So cuddly. The puppies were all over spreading their cutest smile. It’s as if I’ll be playing Lizzie McGuirre. I doubt but promise not to write at my hectic schedule but my pen just pulled me up, said, “Come on in, start blowing me up!” to scream at everybody’s mad-full thought connected beyond differences and genuinely. Enough of melancholy. There’s enough closet to cater that.
Once, I’ve enter I allow myself quaff all possible perplexities, rendezvous of whether bliss and nightmare and of course, fun and excitement. We youth had that spirit—being ecstatic: to try something new and extraordinary. But said usually by mommies, “Okay…but I just don’t want to see you cry when you get nothing good at it.” Yeah! To try and be ready to win and win. If fail, who said unfair.
I’ve learned to love myself more at the eruption of million’s affection. I’ve learned to care more once touched by their sincere tap—silent yet real and felt. I’ve learn to trust myself as the crowds cheered—unaired amaze though influenced. I’ve learned to fight back as a call of duty. Having sides at least on the good is where I rest my feet defending undefeated and supposed triumph. We are not the tail but the head. All are leaders. A follower is an obvious instance. We have to deny nothing from our own existence but our cowardice from anything desirable of competing for. Grow up, stretch to reach on top. Develop, and then share. That would be the greatest achievement from your endeavour.
Learning across splattered inks or matrix of odds and evens takes time, energy, fear and anxiety. Well of course, the idea doesn’t focus on it constantly…all learning were. A pal said that the easiest way to learn is to let yourself surround with people smarter than you are. Why not? If you’re the most privileged thinker even a bogus pretender and the rest were mediocre at that fleeting, how could you learn or at least snatch something new? Same with certain chess guru that to be a grandmaster you’ll have to spend time, sweat, enough nerves, patience, focus, perseverance, commitment and other personal character will do the rest which will lead you to either glory or defeat. True to it that at first, he scared me maybe because his style of training is where I didn’t used to—to where I thought drags my courage and confidence worse. The course of everyday practice turns into usual almost and always bad. I could remember those defeated exercises that brought me home silent, exhausted and frustrated. So, I decided to glue myself at home and promised not to get back unless have my own tactics. And, that was the beginning of his smiles. I even no longer heard his usual “Unsa ka man oi!” every time I do the wrong moves of carelessness. To pay the price, I felt the gold medal I received from that tournament seemed heavier than the collective abstract sweat and headache I gained from the consecutive practice of losing. At last I rejoiced, “So, this is how it feels.”
Well, learning to correct my own presides after others did so. Learning from neither knowledge nor skills but the attitudes l haven’t notice all those past years adds my being. Hence, remind me of my own weaknesses that I have to deal with. Others are obvious and gutsy but more still to go waiting to be unravelled along with unexpected thorns and pebbles.
Plead not. We can’t assess our former foolishness if our will is ruled by our passion. We can’t learn from anything controlled by barriers of vice and lack of faith. However, privilege to choose, man’s fate can be drawn through his own idiosyncrasy. And somewhat, there’s so much thing we have to learn from our past experiences and to react is to laugh about them, celebrate each crazy unsatisfying decision making, enlighten the pessimistic feelings of distress that once was warm and glow. After all, being tired is not final and to rest doesn’t mean in stationary passive wander by extravagant spirits of lad and lass even at 60s. Truth is, I had just recovered out from one unfulfilled expectation. But I had learned my lesson. Not all desires munch at seconds or whatever wanted. Not always, not all at once and still not one at a time. It’s just that you have to appreciate the art of perfect timing and God alone knew when it will be better than men’s omniscience. Work hard while you pray.